My Uncle's Secret Life
叔父鮮為人知的生活
By Sheila Aliee
Uncle and I are standing in line at the hamburger kiosk.
我和叔叔排隊站在漢堡包攤前。
Me, tall, blonde and fair with my hand on Uncle Melrose's bent back.
我，高高的個子，金黃色的頭發(fā)，白皙的膚色，一只手搭在叔父麥羅斯的駝背上。
He is fair, too, but very small.
他也膚色白皙，但個子矮小。
Uncle Melrose is bent nearly double from scoliosis and his clear blue eyes are crossed.
他的背因脊椎側(cè)凸而彎得厲害，身子差不多要對摺起來，一雙明亮的藍眼睛是斜視的。
He points at the people in the queue and speaks so unintelligibly that only I can understand him.
他指著排隊的人嘴里說些含混不清的話，只有我才明白他的意思。
[2] Before I know it, my seventy something-mentally-retarded uncle has his arms round a tall young man ahead of us. Since his arms are about waist-high on the young man, Uncle gently hugs him round his midriff.
稍不留神我那70歲的有些智障的叔父就已經(jīng)用雙臂抱住了前面的一個高個子青年。由于他的手臂剛好觸到青年的腰，他只能輕輕地抱住他的腹部。
[3] " Let go!" I say, apologizing to the man as Uncle releases his grip.
“放開!”我大聲說，他松手時我向那高個子道歉。
"It's OK," the man says, smiling, much to my relief.
“沒什么，”那人微笑著說，這使我松了口氣。
[4] Not everyone is so understanding when Uncle Melrose and I are out together. He not only points at people, he waves at them when they are right next to him. Sometimes the target of his greeting says hello or waves back. But mostly they look away or stare in disbelief.
我和麥羅斯叔叔一同出去時，并不是每個人都如此寬容理解的。叔父不僅用手指點人們，他還向站在他身邊的人招手。有時他招呼的對象也向他打招呼，或揮揮手，但他們大多是眼看別處或不解地盯著他。
[5] I consider myself lucky to know Uncle Melrose. I learned of his existence by accident when I was 15 years old. One afternoon I was going through some old family photos when I ran across one of three little boys on the front veranda of their modest house.
認識麥羅斯叔叔我覺得自已很幸運。我15歲那年偶然得知他還活著的消息。一天下午，我翻看家里的舊照片時，突然看見一張站在自家簡陋房子前廊上的三個小男孩的照片。
[6] The photo must have been taken when my dad, the oldest boy in it, was about nine years old. His brother Tracy must have been eight. The third boy looked about a year younger, but I did not know who he was.
這張照片一定是我父親 (照片上最大的男孩)9歲時拍的。他的大弟特拉希一定只有8歲，那第3個男孩子看上去大約還小一歲，但我不知他是誰。
[7] "That's Pie," said my mum. "Your dad's brother."
“那是‘餡兒餅’，”媽媽說：“你爸爸的弟弟。”
"What happened to him?" I asked. "He's been living in the special school since he was 16."
“他怎么啦?”我問道。“他16歲起就一直住在特殊學校里。”
[8] Mother told me that Dad, the eldest of five children, had practically raised his mentally retarded brother. As a youngster, Melrose, who was nicknamed Pie, couldn't talk very well and his head was smaller than normal. He needed help going to the toilet and tying his shoelaces. He needed a lot of looking after, and it fell to my father to do the job.
媽媽告訴我，父親是當時5個孩子中年齡最大的，實際上是他把有智障的弟弟領(lǐng)大的。麥羅斯小時候小名叫“餡兒餅”，他說話不清楚，腦袋比正常人的小，上廁所、系鞋帶都需要別人幫忙。他需要很多照顧，這個任務(wù)就落到我父親頭上。
[9] Sometimes, frustrated with a world he could not understand or manage, Melrose would throw himself on the floor and kick, punching the air with his fists. He would curse and yell.
有時，麥羅斯因?qū)κ朗虏荒芾斫夂婉{馭而大感惱火，他會撲倒在地，用腳亂踢，向空中揮舞拳頭。他還大喊大叫詛咒罵人。
[10] When they didn't know what else to do with Melrose, Grandmother would tell Dad to take him for a drive in the family car. That usually calmed Uncle Melrose down. Sometimes Dad would drive his brother to town for a milkshake, or a "Mocha", as Melrose called it. A "mocha" was guaranteed to make him happy.
他們不知對麥羅斯怎么辦時，祖母就讓父親開自家的車帶他出去轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn)，那樣會使麥羅斯叔叔平靜下來。父親時不時地駕車帶他去鎮(zhèn)上喝杯奶昔或喝一杯麥羅斯稱之為“摩加”的咖啡。一杯“摩加”保證使他開心。
[11] By the time he was a teenager, Uncle Melrose had become unmanageable. There seemed no alternative but to put him in a special school for the retarded in Austin, Texas, about 130 kilometers from the family home.
到叔父十幾歲時，家人管不住他，他們別無他法只好將他送到離家130公里外的得克薩斯州奧斯汀一所為智障患者開辦的特殊學校。
[12] Granddad and Grandmother brought him home for periodic visits. But the good-byes were heartbreaking. Melrose would rage and thrash on the return trips.
祖父母定期接他回家?？墒敲看嗡退貙W校時的分別都令人心碎。在回校的路上，麥羅斯都會大發(fā)脾氣、撲打鬧騰。
[13] Eventually, the school staff advised the family not to come back. It would be much better for everyone, they said, if there were no more painful good-byes.
最后校方勸導(dǎo)家人不要再讓他回家。他們說，如果不再有痛苦的告別，對大家都要好得多。
[14] Once, however, Mum and Dad brought Melrose home for a visit, shortly after they were married. He and Dad had always slept together as kids and he could not understand why Dad did not join him in bed. Melrose fumed and stamped his foot.
可是有一次，結(jié)婚不久的父母專門去把他接回家看看他和我爸爸小時候總是睡在一起的。因此那次他不明白父親為何不與他睡在一起，他火冒三丈，氣得直跺腳。
[15] "Get that man in here!" he yelled.
“把那人弄過來!”他大聲嚷道。
Dad cajoled his brother out of his tantrum by pointing at his own shoulder and urging Melrose to hit him. Melrose reared his arm back to strike, then burst into laughter.
父親哄他不要發(fā)脾氣，指著自己的肩，要麥羅斯用力捶。麥羅斯向后揮著手臂猛擊，然后哈哈大笑起來。
[16] I tucked these stories into a mental filing cabinet and went on with my life. But I always wondered what he looked like as a grown man. When I moved to Austin in 1991 to work for the Texas Department of Mental Health and Mental Retardation, I decided to look him up.
我把這些故事塞進一個精神病檔案柜里，繼續(xù)過自己的日子。但是我總想知道成年后的麥羅斯是什么樣子。當 1991年我搬到了奧斯汀為得克薩斯心理健康及智力障礙部工作時，我決心去看看他。
[17] On a crisp October afternoon, I drove up to the school. The caseworker assigned to Uncle Melrose told me that at the age of 70 he had a healthy appetite, was walking, hearing and seeing reasonably well. But with an IQ of 16, he was in the most limited range of mental retardation.
十月一個秋高氣爽的下午，我開車去那所學校。分管麥羅斯叔叔的工作人員告訴我，以他70歲的年齡采說他的胃口很好，走路、聽覺、視覺都相當好，但是智商僅為16，他患有最嚴重的智力障礙癥。
[18] The caseworker escorted me into the day room to meet Uncle Melrose. There were a few men sitting at a table in the middle of the room, one of them a tiny man whose face barely showed above the table. My uncle Melrose.
那個管理人員陪我走進日間活動室去看望麥羅斯叔叔。屋子中央有幾個人圍著桌子坐著，其中有一個小個子，臉剛露出桌面，那就是我的叔叔麥羅斯。
[19] He was very small, perhaps only about 165 centimeters with skinny arms and legs and almost no hair save for a ring of blondish remnants from ear to ear.
他人很矮小，也許只有大約1．65米，手腳枯瘦如柴，除了兩耳之間有一圈稀稀落落的黃發(fā)之外，幾乎沒有頭發(fā)。
[20] He looked at me with open and vulnerable blue eyes that only a member of Dad's family could have. When the case-worker introduced us, Uncle Melrose stretched a large bony hand across the table and grasped mine tightly.
他那雙藍眼睛一只有父親家的人才有的那種藍眼睛——睜得大大的，迷茫無助地看著我。管理人員介紹我們時，麥羅斯叔叔從桌對面伸出一只瘦削的大手緊緊地抓住我的手。
[21] "Do you remember Dub?" I asked, using my father's nickname. "Yeah,"' he muttered.
“你記得達布嗎?”我用父親的小名試問?！笆牵彼緡佒?。
[22] "Is he your brother?"
“他是你的哥哥嗎?”
"Yeah."
“是?！?/div>
[23] I'm your niece, Uncle Melrose." "All right."
“我是你的侄兒，麥羅斯叔叔。”“好啊。”
[24] "Do you like it here?" "Yeah."
“你喜歡這兒嗎?”“是。”
He said "Yeah" to everything.
他對任何話都說“是”。
[25] I sat at the table holding his hand, tears in my eyes, not knowing what to say. The caseworker tried to help.
我握住他的手坐在桌旁，眼里含著淚花，不知該說什么才好。那個管理人員試圖幫忙。
[26] "Melrose, isn't it nice to have your niece visit you? '
“麥羅斯，你侄兒來看你，是不是好高興啊?”
"Yeah."
“是!”
[27] He couldn't know what a niece might be. But I guessed that at some level, he knew we were connected.
他可能不知道侄兒是什么不過我猜想從某種程度上講，他知道我們是有關(guān)系的。
[28] "Melrose, here comes Willie," the caseworker said as one of the aides approached us. My uncle released his grip on my hand and wrapped his arms round Willie's hips.
“麥羅斯，威利來了!”那個管理人員說，一位助理向我們走來。叔叔松開抓住我的手，雙臂抱住威利的屁股。
[29] "Hey, my man," Willie said, stroking his back. Willie joined us at the table and told me that Melrose was a real gentleman, very considerate of the other fellows in the dormitory.
“喂，你好，”威利拍拍他的背說。威利過來一同坐在桌邊，他告訴我麥羅斯很有紳士風度，對同宿舍的其他伙伴很關(guān)心。
[30] The highlight of his day was emptying the rubbish. Every morning he would go to all the men's cubicles and pick up the rubbish bins.
他白天最主要的任務(wù)就是倒垃圾，每天上午他總是去所有的男士宿舍里收拾垃圾。
[31] At the end of my visit, the case-worker urged Uncle Melrose to hug me and he did, his thin arms stretching around me just below my waist. His head rested on my stomach. I told him I would come back.
探望結(jié)束時，那個管理人員鼓勵麥羅斯叔叔抱抱我。那瘦削的雙臂剛剛摟在我的腰下，頭靠在我的肚子上。我告訴他我會回來看他的。
[32] In the months ahead, I visited my uncle many times. He loved to walk, even though he stumbled and held tightly to my arm. We walked in the grounds of the school because I wasn't brave enough to take him on an outing. He still had tantrums and I felt unsure of what he might do.
接下來數(shù)月里，我多次去看望他。他喜歡散步，盡管他走路跌跌撞撞、還使勁抓住我的手臂。我們只在學校運動場里走走而已，因為我不敢?guī)酵饷嫒?。他仍不時地要發(fā)病，我拿不準他可能會干什么。
[33] Then, one Saturday, I decided to take him to a cafe for a soft drink. As soon as I walked in the door to pick him up, he began stomping his foot and shouting "No!" I asked him if he wanted to go for a drive. "No!" I asked again; he said, "OK", and we stumbled out of the door. Once we got in the car, Uncle Melrose was in heaven. He looked out of the window and pointed at other cars. I stroked his bald head and asked him how he was.
后來有一個禮拜六，我決定帶他去咖啡店喝點飲料。我剛跨進門去接他，他就開始跺腳大聲嚷道“不去!”。我剛跨進門去接他，他就開始跺腳大聲嚷道“不去!”。他說：“不!”我再次問他，他說：“行。”然后我們磕磕絆絆地出了門。一上車，麥羅斯叔叔就樂上了天。他望著車窗外，指著其它來來往往的車輛。我用手輕輕地摸著他光禿禿的頭，問他感覺如何?
[34] "All right," he answered. "Where are we going?"
“行，”他回答說，“我們要去哪兒?”
"To get a soft drink," I said.
“喝飲料，”我說。
[35] "Where are we going?" "To get a soft drink." "OK." And he held my hand with amazing strength.
“我們要去哪兒?”“喝飲料，”“行。”他握住我的手，力氣大得出奇。
[36] I reported often about my uncle to Dad, who said he was glad I was visiting his brother, but never offered to join me. I think it was just too painful for him. In the early years of his marriage, Dad wanted to buy some land so they could bring Melrose home to live and he could have "a place to roam . But when Mum became pregnant with their first child, her doctor advised against such a plan. Uncle Melrose could unintentionally hurt a child when he was in one of his rages, the doctor warned. It broke my father's heart that he was powerless to take care of Pie, and I think he believed that, somehow, he was responsible for his brother's situation.
我經(jīng)常把叔叔的情況報告給父親，他說，我去看望他弟弟他很高興，但從來沒說要和我一起去。我想這對他太痛苦了。他結(jié)婚頭幾年，就想買片地以便他們可以把麥羅斯帶回家住，讓他有塊“閑逛的地方”。但當母親懷上頭個孩子時，醫(yī)生不贊成這個計劃。他警告說，麥羅斯叔叔發(fā)病時可能無意中會傷及孩子。父親無力照顧“餡兒餅”，這使他大為傷心，我想他本人認為他對弟弟的處境要負一定的責任。
[37] A reunion of the two brothers seemed unlikely. Then, in early 1992, the government decided to close the special school. Since Uncle would have to be moved, a meeting was called to discuss his placement. To my amazement, Dad said he would be there.
兄弟倆團聚似乎不可能了。后來在1992年初，政府決定關(guān)閉那所特殊學校。由于叔父必須搬出，于是開會討論他的安置問題。出乎我意料的是，父親說他要去參加會議。
[38] The meeting was on a breezy, sunny April afternoon at the school. When Mum, Dad and I arrived the caseworker was already there, as were the other professionals who worked with my uncle. When Willie brought Uncle Melrose in, Dad jumped up and walked to his brother. Uncle Melrose's face lit up, and he smiled for the first time in my memory.
四月里一個風和日麗的下午，會議在學校舉行。我與父母親趕到時，那個管理人員以及其他幫助照顧叔叔的專業(yè)人員都已等候在那兒。當威利把麥羅斯叔叔帶進來時，父親一下子跳起來向他弟弟走去。麥羅斯叔叔面露喜色，在我記憶中這是他第一次笑。
[39] "Daddy! Daddy!" he called out, laughing and encircling Dad's waist with his bony arms. He couldn't conceal his joy.
“爸爸!爸爸!”他叫了起來，大聲笑著，用枯瘦的手抱著父親的腰。他掩飾不住自己的喜悅。
"No. I'm not Daddy," Dad said, red-faced . He was laughing as he put his arms round his stooped brother. "I'm Dub."
“不，我不是爸爸。”父親紅著臉說。他雙手摟著駝背弟弟，笑了?！拔沂沁_布?！?/div>
[40] As Dad walked Uncle Melrose to a chair, I cried. Mum cried. Everyone except for Dad and Uncle Melrose was crying. It was the first time in more than 50 years that the brothers had seen each other.
父親扶著麥羅斯叔叔向椅子走去時，我哭了，母親哭了，除了他們倆，在場的人都哭了。這是50多年來兄弟倆第一次見面。
[41] In a perfect world, my dad and his brother would have been truly reunited after that first meeting. But that did not happen. The visits were quite hard for my elderly father, who assumed his long-ago role of caretaker, escorting his brother to the toilet and helping him to eat. There was sadness and guilt, but also the harsh reality of Dad's age and fragile health. There were a few more meetings between them before Dad died in 1997.
在一個美好的世界里，父親和他弟弟本應(yīng)在第一次見面后真正團聚。可是事情并未遂愿。那些探視對我年邁的父親來說是很困難的，但他仍舊充當以前看護他的角色，扶他上廁所，給他喂食。這里有悲哀，有愧疚，但也有父親年邁體弱的嚴酷現(xiàn)實。父親1997年去世前，他們還見過幾次面。
[42] Since my father died, my uncle is all I have of him--his silences, his quiet loving. But there's more to it than that. Uncle Melrose and I have become friends.
父親去世后，叔父就是我從他那里所得到的一切了——他的沉默不語，他默默的愛意關(guān)懷。不僅僅如此，我和麥羅斯叔叔已成了朋友。
[43] We started going out for lunch. He gets the works --burger, chips, drinks. I cut his burger into four sections and teach him to dip the chips in tomato sauce. He eats it all, but it takes a long time--usually an hour. Uncle doesn't have many teeth and has to chew a lot. But he loves munching his chips and waving at people.
我們開始出去吃午餐。漢堡包、土豆片、飲料——夠他吃一通的。我把漢堡包切成四塊，還教他用薯條蘸番茄醬吃。他能全都吃光，但要很長時間——通常一個小時。叔父牙齒不多，要嚼好半天。但他喜歡大嚼薯條，對別人招手。
[44] Occasionally we speak on the phone. He tells me he is "All right", then asks a dozen times, "Where you at? I answer a dozen times, and he finally stops.
我們有時也通通電話，他告訴我說他“很好’。接著要問十多遍“你在哪里?”我也回答十多遍，最后他才停下來。
[45] Sometimes two months will pass before I venture the 66 kilometers to the group home where he now lives. We go through the foot-stomping, shouting ritual, and then we get in the car so he can go to eat a burger or drink a "mocha", as he did nearly 70 years ago with my father.
有時兩個月快過去了，我才不辭辛勞開車6公里去他現(xiàn)在住的那個集體戶。我們先要跺跺腳，大叫上幾聲，然后上車，他便可以去吃漢堡包或喝杯“摩加”什么的，就像他將近70年前與我父親在一起時那樣。
[46] There's never much conversation, just a peaceful togetherness. Sometimes we hold hands. When we say goodbye, we hug each other tightly, Uncle Melrose pressing his tiny head against my stomach.
我們從來沒有很多話好說，就是平靜地呆在一塊兒。有時我們也牽著手。告別時，我們彼此緊緊擁抱，叔父的小腦袋緊貼在我的腹部。
[47] When people ask me why I go to see him, I tell them time stands still when Uncle and I are together. I forget myself and focus completely on this childlike, wounded little man who needs so much. There is a divine irony in these encounters: in finding Uncle Melrose, I found my best and truest self.
告別時，我們彼此緊緊擁抱，叔父的小腦袋緊貼在我的腹部。我會忘卻自己，注意力全部放在這個天真、殘疾而又太需要關(guān)愛的小老頭身上。在與他多次的見面中竟有上天的嘲弄——我在了解麥羅斯叔叔的同時，發(fā)現(xiàn)丁最優(yōu)秀和最真實的自我。
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