BRIAN REA
I asked Claire to take the test after our third date. Things had gone well — hands touching, knees skimming, heads close. By the time I flopped into bed, I was flush with possibility. I was also quite drunk.
在第三次約會(huì)之后，我讓克萊爾(Claire)做了測(cè)試。事情一直都很順利——觸碰手、輕擦膝蓋、頭彼此靠近。到我一頭倒在床上時(shí)，因?yàn)闈M懷期待而臉發(fā)紅。當(dāng)然，也是因?yàn)槲液茸砹恕?/span>
Claire had sounded intrigued by the 16 Personalities test, so I texted her the link. Then I opened my Notes app and typed a prediction: “Claire, INFP,” guessing she was an introvert (“I”) who preferred intuition (“N”), made decisions more from feeling (“F”) than thinking, and approached life in a flexible, open way (“P”).
克萊爾起初聽上去對(duì)16型人格測(cè)試很感興趣，于是我把鏈接發(fā)了給她。然后我打開了筆記應(yīng)用，打出了預(yù)測(cè)結(jié)果：“克萊爾，INFP”，我猜她是內(nèi)向(I)，偏好直覺(N)，做決定更多靠感覺(F)而不是思考，以靈活、開放(P)的方式對(duì)待生活。
It was an outcome that filled me with hope. No one is guaranteed to find love from a test, of course, but we can at least improve our odds by pursuing people with whom we stand a better chance of forging a lasting connection.
這個(gè)結(jié)果讓我充滿希望。當(dāng)然，沒人能保證通過測(cè)試找到愛人，但我們至少可以通過追求與我們更有可能建立持久聯(lián)系的人來(lái)增大幾率。
When Claire’s message lit up my screen, it was exactly as I thought: “INFP.”
當(dāng)克萊爾的消息點(diǎn)亮我的屏幕，結(jié)果和我料想的一模一樣：INFP。
I texted her a screen grab of my note, as if to say: “I see you.”
我把我的筆記截屏發(fā)給她，仿佛在說(shuō)：“我懂你?！?/span>
“Am I really such an open book?” she wrote. “Or are you just very, very good at this?”
“我真得這么一目了然嗎？”她寫道?！斑€是說(shuō)你很擅長(zhǎng)這個(gè)？”
“The latter,” I wrote. “Definitely the latter.”
“后者，”我寫道。“肯定是后者?！?/span>
I became obsessed with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (many websites, including 16 Personalities, use it as a basis for their own tests) a few years ago when my nearly two-decade marriage began to unravel and I was trying to understand how things had gone so wrong. My husband, Adam, and I still made decisions well together, but we had long ago lost our emotional tie, especially when it came to being able to talk in ways that didn’t involve planning or practical matters.
幾年前，在持續(xù)近20載的婚姻開始垮掉時(shí)，我漸漸迷上了邁爾斯-布里格斯性格分類指標(biāo)（Myers-Briggs Type Indicator，包括16型人格測(cè)試在內(nèi)的許多網(wǎng)站都以其作為測(cè)試的基礎(chǔ)），我想搞清楚事情是如何走到了不可收拾的程度。我和丈夫亞當(dāng)(Adam)仍然會(huì)很好地在一起做決定，但我們之間早已失去了情感紐帶，特別是在能以不涉及計(jì)劃或?qū)嶋H問題的方式進(jìn)行交談方面。
Was this simply where most long-term relationships ended up, or was our disconnect the result of an entrenched incompatibility? I wanted to find out.
這是否就是大多數(shù)長(zhǎng)期關(guān)系告終的緣由？還是我們的隔閡是由于固有的不匹配造成的？我想要弄明白。
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assigns personality types based on answers to a series of questions. Our responses determine where we fall on the spectrum of four categories: how we interact with the world (extrovert or introvert), how we process information (sensing or intuition), how we make decisions (thinking or feeling) and how we organize our lives (judging or perceiving). The final result is a set of four letters.
邁爾斯-布里格斯性格分類指標(biāo)根據(jù)對(duì)一系列問題的答案，把性格分為不同類型。我們的回答決定了我們屬于四類性格中的哪一種：如何與世界互動(dòng)（外向或內(nèi)向）、如何處理信息（理智或直覺）、如何做決定（思維或感覺）以及如何安排生活（判斷或感知）。最終結(jié)果是四項(xiàng)答案英文首字母組合。
I started looking for those four letters in everyone I met. What could they tell me about a person? Did they act as a secret code, a mirror or a smoke screen?
我開始在我遇見的每個(gè)人身上尋找這四個(gè)字母。它們能告訴我關(guān)于一個(gè)人的什么呢？它們是秘密代碼，是鏡子還是障眼法？
My belief in the power of this system stems from the fact that my own type — which presents itself to me consistently, no matter how many times I take the test or which version I take — is eerily spot on. Those letters, INTJ, became a mooring for me during a period of great uncertainty.
我對(duì)這個(gè)體系的信念源自一個(gè)事實(shí)，即我自己的類型準(zhǔn)得匪夷所思——無(wú)論我做多少遍測(cè)試或采用哪個(gè)版本，它給我的結(jié)果始終一致。在一段極不確定的時(shí)期，INTJ這串字母成了我的支柱。
They also gave me insight as to why I wanted to leave the man with whom I had spent 19 years and had four children. A tattered treasure map of our similarities and differences, the trail of which had led us not to the glinting coins of a golden wedding anniversary but to a dead end.
它們也讓我明白自己為何想離開那位共處了19年并一起育有四個(gè)孩子的男人。它是一張破舊的藏寶圖，描繪出我們的異同之處，上面的路徑并沒有把我們帶到金婚紀(jì)念的閃亮金幣，而是婚姻的盡頭。
When I met Adam, I was an American college student in London and he was a British academic in his late 20s. He was basically the same person he is now, and so was I, but it’s harder to see who people really are through the fog of courtship. Our conversations were compelling in the early days, but that kind of discourse, as it turned out, was not his natural inclination.
認(rèn)識(shí)亞當(dāng)時(shí)，我是倫敦的一名美國(guó)大學(xué)生，他是快30歲的英國(guó)學(xué)者。他基本上還是原來(lái)的他，我也是，但要透過求愛的迷霧看清一個(gè)人談何容易。開始的時(shí)候，我們的談話引人入勝，結(jié)果卻發(fā)現(xiàn)，那種交談并非他的天性。
Adam’s personality type is ESTJ (extroversion, sensing, thinking, judging). We share the last two letters, so we agreed on a lot of the big things: We were committed to intellectual rigor, harbored a deep skepticism of organized religion, and had similar attitudes about money. Neither of us wanted children, until we both did.
亞當(dāng)?shù)男愿耦愋褪荅STJ（外向、理智、思維、判斷）。后兩個(gè)字母我們一樣，所以我們?cè)诤芏啻髥栴}上看法一致：致力于理性嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)，對(duì)有組織的宗教深感懷疑，對(duì)金錢的態(tài)度也比較相似。我們都不想要孩子，直到我們都要了孩子。
But our differences (extrovert versus introvert, and his concrete, linear style of thinking and communicating versus my tendency toward abstraction and patterns) revealed themselves over time to be a source of stagnation, not growth.
但隨著時(shí)間的推移，我們的差異（外向?qū)?nèi)向，他的具象、直線型思維與溝通方式對(duì)我的抽象和模式傾向）顯示出它們是雙方關(guān)系停滯不前，而非成長(zhǎng)的來(lái)源。
While opposites may attract, being opposite in some aspects of a relationship can prove problematic. In the Simplified Myers-Briggs Type Compatibility Chart I consulted, which lists five levels of anticipated compatibility, our pairing is second to worst.
雖說(shuō)異性相吸，但在一段關(guān)系的某些方面，性情相異可能會(huì)出問題。在我參考的簡(jiǎn)化版邁爾斯-布里格斯性格分類匹配表(Simplified Myers-Briggs Type Compatibility Chart)中——它會(huì)列出五級(jí)預(yù)期匹配結(jié)果——我們的匹配度倒數(shù)第二。
Dinners and car rides became for us silent, stilted affairs. He would ask about my day but never seemed to listen to my answers or do anything to move the discussion forward. I craved conversation built on shared intuition and the back and forth of ideas; he didn’t want much of that kind of conversation at all.
晚餐和驅(qū)車出行對(duì)于我們來(lái)說(shuō)，變成了沉默、乏味的事情。他會(huì)問我一天過得怎樣，但似乎從不注意聽我的回答，或者做點(diǎn)什么，引導(dǎo)談話繼續(xù)下去。我渴望談話能建立在相通的直覺和觀點(diǎn)的來(lái)回交錯(cuò)之上，而他一點(diǎn)也不想要那樣的交談。
After our twins arrived, crashing into our family of four like a Molotov cocktail, he simply did not have the energy or the will to engage with me. And I needed that engagement to feel connected. Eventually, we stopped talking altogether, at least in any meaningful way.
在我們的雙胞胎來(lái)臨，像一杯莫洛托夫雞尾酒一樣闖入我們的四口之家后，他根本就沒有精力或意愿跟我互動(dòng)。而我需要那種互動(dòng)才能感到心意相通。終于，我們完全停止了交談，至少是有意義的交談。
Neither of us was to blame, as I see it; we were just incompatible in terms of how we process the world and derive meaning from it. We had no trouble choosing a secondary school for our oldest son with exemplary logic or getting out of the house in record time with four unruly children, but in the end, these shared personality features were not enough to sustain us.
照我看來(lái)，倆人都沒什么錯(cuò)，我們只是在感知世界以及從中獲得意義的方式上不匹配。在以清晰的邏輯給大兒子選擇中學(xué)，或是帶著四個(gè)淘氣孩子以破紀(jì)錄的時(shí)間出門方面，我們完全沒問題，但到最后，這些共同的性格特點(diǎn)卻不足以維持我們的關(guān)系。
After leaving a long-term relationship, people often fall for someone who is wholly different. If a husband was moody and disinterested, the new person is even-tempered and attentive. If a wife was overly analytical and aloof, the new person is action oriented and effusive.
在結(jié)束一段長(zhǎng)期關(guān)系后，人們常會(huì)選擇一個(gè)完全不同的人。如果前夫是個(gè)情緒化又興致寡淡的人，那新人就是脾氣又好又體貼。如果前妻是個(gè)過于重分析又冷漠的人，那新人就是行動(dòng)導(dǎo)向又熱情洋溢的人。
When I started dating online, I armed myself with the 16 personality types for exactly this reason: to right my past relationship wrongs.
開始網(wǎng)上約會(huì)時(shí)，我以16型人格分類上陣的原因正在于此：糾正我過去在戀情中犯的錯(cuò)。
Claire was one of the few people I decided to meet in real life. She and Adam did not share a single Myers-Briggs letter. She was similar to me and different from me in entirely new ways, ways that thrilled me. Shortly after we met, I wrote about her to a friend.
克萊爾是我決定在現(xiàn)實(shí)生活中見面的少數(shù)幾人之一。她和亞當(dāng)?shù)倪~爾斯-布里格斯字母完全不同。她和我很相似，但不同之處又完全不同，這令我興奮不已。我們見面后不久，我把她的情況寫給了一位朋友。
“You’re bucking the pattern!” my friend replied, talking mainly about the fact that Claire is younger than I am. In the past, I had been romantically involved only with people who were older, sometimes significantly so, and had never dated a woman.
“你這是跟固有模式對(duì)著干！”朋友回復(fù)道，主要是說(shuō)克萊爾比我小這個(gè)事實(shí)。以往，我的戀愛對(duì)象都比我大，有時(shí)候還大很多，而且我從沒約會(huì)過女性。
“She has tattoos!” I wrote back. Not only were Claire’s arms already generously inked the first time I saw her, a new tattoo also appeared between our first and second dates. Between dates No. 2 and No. 3, she added a sparkling stud to her left nostril.
“她有文身！”我回復(fù)道。我第一次見到克萊爾，就發(fā)現(xiàn)她兩手臂滿是文身，第一和第二次約會(huì)之間，又多了個(gè)新的文身。第二和第三次約會(huì)之間，她的左鼻孔添了一枚閃閃的鼻釘。
The spontaneity of these acquisitions surprised and impressed me. I was still deliberating over the single tattoo I had planned to get for my 40th birthday the November before, the pale, bare skin of my wrist a reminder of my caution.
她主動(dòng)增添這些花樣讓我感到驚奇，也給我留下深刻印象。當(dāng)時(shí)我還在思量原本在去年11月份40歲生日時(shí)刺一個(gè)文身的計(jì)劃，手腕裸露的蒼白皮膚提醒著我要謹(jǐn)慎。
Claire was restlessness to my stillness, late to my early, free-floating to my rootedness. What we shared, though, dwarfed all those differences: the first two letters of the Myers-Briggs scale, which confirmed a mutual intensity and introspection, a common way of talking, thinking and connecting. It felt so right.
克萊爾偏動(dòng)我偏靜，她晚到我早到，她自在隨性我沉穩(wěn)內(nèi)斂。而我們的共性卻令差異相形見絀：邁爾斯-布里格斯量表前兩個(gè)字母相同，肯定我們有著共同的強(qiáng)度和自省能力，以及共同的交談、思維和溝通方式。感覺對(duì)極了。
A couple of months after we met, when she told me she had been seeing somebody else the whole time, I was floored. Not because I don’t think people date more than one person at the same time, but because I thought we were alike in a way that meant she wouldn’t.
我們見面兩個(gè)月后，當(dāng)她告訴我她從頭到尾一直都在跟另一個(gè)人約會(huì)時(shí)，我震驚了。不是因?yàn)槲也徽J(rèn)為人不能同時(shí)和一個(gè)以上的人約會(huì)，而是因?yàn)槲乙詾槲覀兊男男约热幌嗤?，那她就不?huì)這樣。
A flurry of text messages followed, offering explanations: “I’ll never fit in to your life,” “I’ll let you down,” and finally, “You are superior to me in so many ways” (which was perhaps her way of saying: “It’s not you, it’s me”).
隨后一連串的短信中提供了解釋：“我永遠(yuǎn)都不能適應(yīng)你的生活”、“我會(huì)讓你失望”，最后是，“你在很多方面都比我優(yōu)秀”（這也許是她想說(shuō)：“不是你的問題，是我的問題”）。
I am not superior to her, of course, though it would probably be in keeping with my personality type to present as if I am. We INTJs are an intense, exacting bunch, and notoriously difficult to please.
當(dāng)然，我并不比她優(yōu)秀，不過，假裝我比她優(yōu)秀，可能符合我的性格類型。我們INTJ可是一群緊張苛刻的人，出了名的難討好。
It took Adam years to come to the conclusion that he could never live up to my expectations. It took Claire mere months.The tattoo I didn’t get was going to be the ancient Greek word “arete,” which means, among other things, excellence. But excellence probably isn’t a realistic goal in romance. Neither is perfect compatibility.
亞當(dāng)花了好幾年時(shí)間才得出結(jié)論：他永遠(yuǎn)達(dá)不到我的期望?？巳R爾只花了幾個(gè)月。我沒去做的文身是古希臘詞語(yǔ)“arete”，意思不是別的，正是“卓越”。但追求卓越在愛情中可能不是一個(gè)現(xiàn)實(shí)的目標(biāo)。完美的和睦相處也是不現(xiàn)實(shí)的。
In love, we can try to test, predict and explain all we want, but romantic attachment will always be an inherently messy endeavor. Chemistry, history and timing can’t be logged into a spreadsheet. And yet I find it hard to let go of the idea that there is some benefit, especially when it comes to long-term relationships, to seeking a promising combination of similarities and differences.
在愛情中，我們可以試著去測(cè)試、預(yù)測(cè)和解釋我們想要的一切，但浪漫的依戀總是一種本質(zhì)上混亂的行為。它的化學(xué)反應(yīng)、歷史和計(jì)時(shí)方式都無(wú)法登錄到電子表格里。然而，我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己很難放棄這樣一種想法：有些人同你的相似與不同之處，會(huì)和你格外相配，找到它們是有好處的，尤其是在長(zhǎng)期關(guān)系中。
So I keep my four letters prominently displayed on my dating profile. I still want to know, early on, a potential partner’s personality type. Not to diminish love’s complexity. Not to make it easy. Just, I hope, to make it more likely.
所以我把我的四個(gè)字母放在約會(huì)資料的顯著位置。我仍然想在早期就知道，潛在伴侶的性格類型。不是為了減少愛情的復(fù)雜性。這可不是什么容易的事。我只希望讓它變得更有可能。
作者：Lauren Apfel
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