A man’s wife can determine his future life to a large extent. However, in front of love, few people can rationally evaluate whether it is suitable for themselves. Also, few people can decisively conclude their love which is not suitable for themselves when the love is in its prime time. That is why there have been and will be so much grudge and regret stemming from love. Shen Chongwen and Zhang Zhaohe were exactly a wrong pair when they were alive.
一個(gè)男人挑選什么樣的妻子，決定他以后將過(guò)什么樣的生活。然而，在愛(ài)情面前，很少有人去理智地分析尺長(zhǎng)寸短，也很少有人能夠堅(jiān)決地在怦然心動(dòng)之時(shí)果斷地關(guān)閉情感的閘門(mén)。所以，這個(gè)世界上才會(huì)有那么多迷茫的錯(cuò)愛(ài)和長(zhǎng)短不一的疏離與怨恨。沈從文和張兆和在生前，就是一對(duì)被搭錯(cuò)了紅線(xiàn)的怨偶。
At that time, Zhang was a well-known beauty in school with a wealth of pursuers. Without being an exception, Shen was also totally attracted by her beauty. As a saying goes, a man of literary talents should be coupled with a beautiful lady. From average people’s perspectives, Shen and Zhang should be a pair of lovers. But the problem is that Zhang showed no affection to Shen.
那時(shí)，張兆和是學(xué)校里出了名的美人，追隨者甚眾。毫無(wú)例外地，她的美麗，也讓沈從文一見(jiàn)傾心。自古才子配佳人，按照世俗的眼光，他們似乎應(yīng)該配成一對(duì)?？墒?，問(wèn)題在于張兆和對(duì)沈從文毫無(wú)感覺(jué)。
While others’ pursuit of Zhang was reserved, Shen’s was ardent and open like a turbulence out of the reservoir rushing down without control. Although Zhang was effeminate and picky, he did not lose the least passion. Instead, he filled every letter with his adoration and love. Every sentence he wrote was so passionate and loving that anyone who has read it would feel timid. Zhang was very young at that time and did not know how to refuse him. So she chose to keep silent and did not reply to his letters. Shen, on the other hand, construed her silence as acceptance and allowance, filing letters with more emotions to her more frequently.
別人的追求是低調(diào)內(nèi)斂的，才子沈從文的愛(ài)卻熱烈而奔放，像開(kāi)閘之水，不可收拾。盡管美人多嬌，他也從不泄氣，將對(duì)她的愛(ài)慕涂滿(mǎn)信紙，句句都炙熱得令人耳根羞澀。年輕的張兆和并不懂拒絕，只好以沉默抵抗，只字不回。沈從文卻把這理解為默許或者縱容，他的信更頻繁，也更深透。
In order to get close to Zhang, Shen even made friends with her bosom friend, Wang Hualian. The more letters Shen wrote, the less patience he had. One day, he asked Wang about Zhang’s attitude towards him. Wang’s answer was disappointing: There were numerous pursuers writing letters to Zhang, but she did not reply even once!
為了接近張兆和，沈從文甚至和張兆和的閨密王華蓮交上了朋友。信越寫(xiě)越多，沈從文也越發(fā)的沉不住氣。有一次，他直言不諱地向王華蓮探問(wèn)張兆和的態(tài)度。王華蓮的話(huà)很讓沈從文失望：追求張兆和的男人沒(méi)有一千，也有一百，她都不回信……
Discouraged, Shen often poured his confusion to his good friend, Hu Shi. But even at the most desperate moment, he did not stop writing love letters to Zhang. In Shen’s love letters, he did not express love and emotion all the time. He got the hang of speaking details of life as if discussing about some common sense with Zhang. The simple and plain words were indeed signaling Zhang was the only one Shen loved.
情緒低落的沈從文時(shí)常將心中的郁結(jié)向好友胡適傾訴，可即便在最絕望的時(shí)候，他也沒(méi)有停止鴻雁傳情。沈從文的情書(shū)，并不一味鋪張濃烈感情，他深諳娓娓道來(lái)的妙處，像是與張兆和講道理。平淡的文字中，一種“舍你其誰(shuí)”的韌性躍然紙上。
For a man of literary talents, he may adopt a unique strategy that differentiates from that of ordinary people. Seeing that Zhang was not moved by his letters, Shen utilized a strategy combing both “hard” and “soft” means. For his “hard” means, he even threatened her to commit suicide. For his “soft” means, he claimed that even if he was rejected by her, he would not care too much and would pull himself together and live optimistically. However, seen from his tone, he did not mean to lessen his pursuit of Zhang even a little!
才子的策略有時(shí)候也有異于常人。沈從文見(jiàn)張兆和仍然不為所動(dòng)，便拋出了軟硬兼施的策略。硬的時(shí)候，他甚至恐嚇?biāo)瑩P(yáng)言要自殺；軟的時(shí)候，他表示，即使遭到拒絕，也沒(méi)有什么關(guān)系，他會(huì)重新站立起來(lái)，做一個(gè)積極向上的人。然而，語(yǔ)氣中對(duì)張兆和沒(méi)有絲毫的放松。
Love made this young man become mad and even a slave! In his letter written in June, 1931, he told Zhang that he would like to take the responsibility of a slave for her as his life-long commitment. “Don’t be angry, my dear! Please allow me to kiss your feet in my dream. I feel terribly humble even when I squat down to kiss your feet, fearing that it would stain you.”
愛(ài)情使這位青年才俊變成了極端癡狂的瘋子的同時(shí)，也讓他變成了奴隸！他在1931年6月的一封信中，居然向張兆和表示以做她的奴隸為己任。“莫生我的氣，許我在夢(mèng)里，用嘴吻你的腳，我的自卑處，是覺(jué)得如一個(gè)奴隸蹲到地下用嘴接近你的腳，也近于十分褻瀆了你的”。
If there is a woman who can make you become her slave willingly, then it is nothing serious to become a slave. Even if he would become a bull or a horse for her, Shen would take it without any hesitation. Finally, this insistent young writer, with strong enthusiasms and perseverance, won the love of Zhang, who did not show any affection to him initially.
有讓自己甘心做奴隸的女人，奴隸算什么？就是做牛做馬，沈從文也會(huì)豁出去！ 就這樣，這個(gè)“頑固”的年輕作家，硬是憑著一股韌勁，將對(duì)他毫無(wú)感覺(jué)的張兆和追到了手。
If marriage is a refrigerator that can keep love fresh and make both lovers stay at the happiest moment, then their marriage is a triumph. Nonetheless, for Shen and Zhang, marriage was literally the outset of the life full of cruel realities. Apart from the first few years of happiness, they stayed emotionally apart from each other, living in the shadow of blaming, skepticism and pain.
如果婚姻是愛(ài)情的保鮮機(jī)器，能讓時(shí)間的鐘擺永遠(yuǎn)停在最甜蜜幸福的一刻，那么他們的結(jié)合便是萬(wàn)里長(zhǎng)征的勝利終點(diǎn)。可是，婚姻卻是更加殘酷的現(xiàn)實(shí)生活的開(kāi)始。 除了最初幾年恩愛(ài)，余下的漫長(zhǎng)的人生段落，他們始終處于疏離、斥責(zé)、懷疑、傷痛的陰影里。
After Japanese army invaded Beijing, Shen fled to southern part of China, leaving Zhang and her two children behind temporarily. When staying in the southeast of China, Shen was in great poverty and often borrowed money from his friends. Zhang often reproached him for his luxurious life and his pretending to be a rich man.
北平失陷后，沈從文倉(cāng)皇南逃，張兆和與兩個(gè)孩子暫時(shí)留了下來(lái)。沈從文一個(gè)人在西南，經(jīng)濟(jì)拮據(jù)，經(jīng)常向朋友借錢(qián)。張兆和時(shí)常在信中責(zé)備他生活奢侈，不是紳士卻擺紳士的派頭……
Zhang had several opportunities to leave Beijing and met up with Shen, but she did not make it finally. Shen thought that she lost the chance purposely and that she did not love him at all and would not like to live with him any more, though they had been together for so many years. Living under long-term depression, Shen felt mentally broken and could not get the deserved warmth and comfort from his family. The distance of time and space enlarged the gap of their love. Without being understood by his beloved and with his doubt about her, this great writer was pining away day by day.
張兆和有多次離開(kāi)北平與他團(tuán)聚的機(jī)會(huì)，最終都未達(dá)成，沈從文認(rèn)為她是故意錯(cuò)過(guò)的，他開(kāi)始懷疑，經(jīng)過(guò)了這么多年，張兆和仍然是不愛(ài)他的，并且不愿意與他共同生活了。長(zhǎng)期的壓抑，使精神處在崩潰邊緣的沈從文無(wú)法從家庭中得到應(yīng)有的溫暖和慰藉?？臻g和時(shí)間令他們感情的裂痕越來(lái)越大，所愛(ài)之人的不理解以及自己對(duì)愛(ài)的懷疑，讓這個(gè)偉大的作家的眼光一天天黯淡下去。
In 1995, Zhang sorted out her husband’s drafts of works. She confessed her guilty towards her husband in the book named The Following: “I have no idea whether it is a happiness or misfortune for Shen to live with me. I didn’t understand him completely. Later I knew him more, but not until now when I am sorting his compositions have I truly understand his philosophy of life and the burden he had undertaken. I know what I did not know in the past and I understand what I did not in the past. But it is too late! Why didn’t I try to understand him and help me when he was alive? Why did I leave so many conflicts unsolved? It is too late for me to feel regretful now.”
1995年，張兆和整理完沈從文生前的遺稿，在《后記》中深切地懺悔著自己對(duì)沈從文的一片深情的辜負(fù)———“從文與我相處，這一生，究竟是幸福還是不幸？得不到回答。我不理解他，不完全理解他。后來(lái)逐漸有了些理解，但是，真正懂得他的為人，懂得他一生承受的重壓，是在整理編選他遺稿的現(xiàn)在。過(guò)去不知道的，現(xiàn)在知道了；過(guò)去不明白的，現(xiàn)在明白了……太晚了！為什么在他有生之年，不能發(fā)掘他，理解他，從各方面去幫助他，反而有那么多的矛盾得不到解決！悔之晚矣。
Decades of Shen and Zhang’s love and hatred is a valuable lesson that deserves our learning. Love is the only thing in the world that cannot be forced. It is like a balance scale, where if one side give too much and was too heavy, the other side would stand up and feel arrogant. If love has lost balance, why not let her (Zhang) fly to other places in pursuit of her own sky? Holding her tight in hand without letting her go would only result in a failed marriage, a failed love and a tortured life.
沈從文與張兆和幾十年的愛(ài)與怨，情與癡，洋洋灑灑地?fù)]就了一部值得現(xiàn)代人借鑒的婚姻圖冊(cè). 愛(ài)情是這世上惟一不可以勉強(qiáng)的東西，它就像天平，如果一方付出過(guò)多，過(guò)于沉重，只能高高地翹起另一端的驕傲。愛(ài)既已失衡，不如放手，讓她去發(fā)現(xiàn)別處天空的遼闊。緊緊抓在手里，不肯釋?xiě)训慕Y(jié)果，便是累及婚姻，錯(cuò)愛(ài)一人，煎熬一生。
